The mood where all of my friends are proud of what I can do
and I’m feeling guilty because I’m lying on my sofa, with a bag of chips in one
hand, and an apple in the other. Feeling miserable for myself because there’s
literally so much for me to do (even though semester 1 exams just finished) and
I’m just not doing anything. This feeling of being lazy sucks. I'm so
accustomed to work, that having “lazy days” don't work for me. And yeah I’m a
workaholic. When I’m in the mood, I love to work and can grind hard to reach
the success that’s waiting for me. And I’m aware it isn’t healthy. I'm not
saying I don't like to take breaks, honestly sleep is a blessing and I love it.
And vacation’s are amazing too, seeing the world, experiencing new things,
being with people I love…But I can’t help the fact that I am a night owl, I
enjoy staying up late at night, but I’m also a morning bird. I wake up early
too. But being alone through it all sucks, and without someone to motivate me,
here I am, bored and miserable, fattening myself beyond belief.
Pause- I’m relocating.
I need to clear my mind, and get my thoughts out. It’s best
done when I'm in hot water.
Anyways, I don't think It’s just being lazy that irks me. Or…it
is. There are people in the world, so
many people who don't have what I have and I’m being lazy and putting off
my work. There are so many people in the world. What is it now? 7? 8 Billion??
Can you even imagine how many people that is; to try to fit
them all into one set area? It would be so full! There are so many reasons for
me to be working. And I’m sulking in a tub of hot water, typing out my frustrations
to the computer, and the few people who might accidentally find this blog. Honestly,
this rambling doesn’t make sense at all—I’ll probably have to go back, edit and
reorganise all of this.
I need people in my life. And that’s not to say all the
time. I’ve always told my parents that I can’t wait to get out and experience
the world on my own. And they’ve always responded with the same thing “You can
never be happy if you are alone”. And I was so confused—I would be free of
responsibility to others, I would be able to do whatever I wanted, go wherever
I wanted. What was so wrong with that?
Well there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it…It’s just….At
some point or another, you realise that you will get lonely. I’ve been home
alone for the past 4 or 5 days, for most of the day and when my parents get
home from work, I can only spend a little time with them because they’re tired,
and I had homework or tests or whatever to prepare for. Anyways, it does get
lonely eventually. Spending time alone is key and I do it often. But to be
permanently and truly alone…It has to be so sad.
This brings me back to where I was getting at. I’ve wasted
the day being lazy. “7 billion people in the world trying to fit in” and I’m
doing nothing but lounging all day. People with less than me are struggling to
reach their dreams and show the world their potential. And Me? Ideas, and
dreams, and goals.
“Goals”
What a nice word. Its simplistic but it’s drives me you
know? I don't know why…Well that isn’t completely true. I have fond memories of
the word and everything it means to me.
Anyways off topic.
I’m always visualising myself with my Lamborghini, with my
big house, with me big chequebook, ready to give to whoever needed the funds to
survive. But here I am doing nothing. There are hungry people everywhere,
orphans everywhere, homeless everywhere, and to everyone else they’re
invisible. People just walk by like they see nothing. Huh. That’s actually a
good idea.
Wow, I really like that idea.
A world where everyone
lives normally, the economy is booming like it never has before, but global
political tensions carry forward. It’s a peaceful world, where there is no
poverty and everyone is employed. Until one day, a young person walking by sees
an old lady struggling down the street in clothes he has never seen in his
life. He runs to aid her and he pulls her to the side, into an alley and offers
her help. “You…You can see me?” She asks him, her eyes wide. She begins to cry
and he begins to take out money to give to her when someone pats his shoulder—its
his friends. “What are you doing? Are you in with the black market or
something?” He shakes his head and points to the woman. “I’m giving the money
to her.” His friends are confused because they cant see her, and think he’s
playing a joke and leave him. This is the first day the boy realises that there
have always been homeless people. They’ve just been invisible to everyone.
Except for him (until now).
That could make for a really good book.
It reminds of this one time. I was with some guys back in
October or November in Hamilton. We were there competing for DECA, an
international business competition for high school and university students. We
were just heading back in from lunch and we saw a woman walking around. She was
wearing rags, and it was cold outside. We were borderline warm in our suits,
and here she was with a shirt, some torn pants and a shawl around her, blowing
in the wind. She was crying, asking people for money—for food or clothes or shelter
I don't know. I still remember how she looked. She was bone thin, frail, she
was shivering in the cold (I know some people get a disease where they are
always shaking but this wasn’t it, I'm sure) and she had her hands out and was
begging. Instantly the four of us reached into our wallets and pulled out
money. My friends all gave her their change, and when I opened my wallet? There
was absolutely nothing for me to give her—I’d spent the last of it on a
Starbucks earlier that morning. She cried and cried and was so thankful to have
something like $2.20 and we were all in suits, she had nothing and she was
thankful for it. But I was mortified; I couldn’t believe that I was helpless. I
couldn’t do anything for her. Who knows, maybe she isn’t even alive anymore.
But the way her face lit up, I’ll never forget it. She came to us for help and
I couldn’t do a thing. I stood there, feeling sorry for myself, because I had
nothing. I was nothing.
Thinking back on it now, I can remember that she was one of
the signs. She was a sign. I’m trying to be more religious nowadays and it’s
said that everything had been foretold and decreed—everything happens for a
reason—and our fates are sealed. It also states that we have choices. As
backwards as that sounds, I have a convoluted explanation on how it works, but
I wont go off about that right now. Regardless, I felt so sad that I couldn’t
do anything. I’d always said that I would be able to help the world, which I
would give bountifully to the impoverished. And after seeing that lady come and
ask while I couldn’t do anything? No. I wouldn’t allow it to happen again. I wont allow it to happen again. I vowed
to work harder and harder for the people of the world. She was proof that the
impoverished exist and that there are millions of them. Millions.
So many that you could fill a stadium. No, a hundred
stadiums…or more. I will work harder than I ever have before. I will strive and
I will dedicate myself because I know that there are people who need me. I have
to help them. Because I was reminded of a saying that I lived by:
“If you have the chance to do something good for someone
else, DO IT. It’s a moral obligation, that’s what’s at stake here—Not choice,
responsibility.”
 |
| Quote From Ben Parker, The Amazing Spider Man (2012) |
I'm paraphrasing, but it’s close enough. The meaning comes
across. I can do good for people, and therefore I have to. If everyone lived
that way then the world would be a better place. And nobody will do it without
a leader. So I will lead. I will make the world a better place.
See this is the reason I blog.
I went from a mood where I felt useless, to reminiscing
about the past, and am recharged and set to get back to work again. My friends
are seeing me work and they like the outcomes. That’s proof that my efforts are
not in vain. And now?
It’s time to get out of the water, and get to work.
I hope whoever is reading this is having a beautiful day,
and continues to have an amazing day. You are amazing, and you deserve it. You
have potential, and you have a reason to be alive, even if you may not know it
yet or haven’t found it. You mean something to me. Yeah. You. Take care of yourself you beautiful person. Cause I love it
about you. I love that you exists. Pretty much, I love you. Ha-I once said
those were my three favourite words, and they honestly are. I don't say them
enough so I’m starting with you I guess. I love you. So live on, and strive for
the better and reach your goals no matter how many times you get hurt or fall
down. I love you okay? Smile.
Peace.
[On second thought, I'm leaving this just as messy and unorganised
as it is. =) ]
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